Most people enter a relationship full of hope, excitement, and trying to silence any doubt. There are many reasons a person doesn’t see a problem, even when others do. They could have been single for a long time and afraid to be alone again, flattered by superficial things that won’t matter down the line, or not in the best place in their lives, so settling feels acceptable.

Whatever the reason, sometimes it can feel impossible to know exactly how much negativity and gut feelings to push aside. It could save you a lot of time and pain to look out for these relationship red flags early on. 

How Do You Know When A Relationship Won’t Work?

1. Your Emotional Needs Do Not Matter

In fairness, being a good partner means being attuned to their emotional needs and not just your own. However, if you feel your partner constantly rolls their eyes at you when you’re expressing your emotional needs, something isn’t right. Rather than expecting your partner should just know what you need, the best thing to do for a successful relationship is to be clear about your needs and expectations.

 Whenever I’m confronted with a client telling me in a session that their partner should know by now what they need, I immediately challenge this. You should ask your partner directly for exactly what you need. This way, a wonderful thing happens in which they know what you want and you get what you want, win-win! 

If you feel you’ve been very clear and upfront about your needs, you’ve take actionable steps toward fulfilling what your partner needs, but they are unable or unwilling to satisfy your needs, they are not for you.

2. They “Should” All Over You

If your partner constantly tells you what you should do, what you should change, how you should act, how you should feel, how you should present yourself, they’re “shoulding” all over you! Excuse the defecation reference, but it’s one of my favorites! 

If your partner constantly suggests you should change yourself or whatever you want to do should be done differently, this is bound to lead to lower self-esteem.

Further, this suggests that whatever you’re doing is wrong which leads to questioning yourself and feeling inadequate. If your partner doesn’t leave emotional and physical space for you to be who you are, then this is one of the clear relationship red flags they are not right for you. 

3. You Don’t Make Each Other Laugh

According to helpguide.org, “Laughter decreases stress hormones and increases immune cells and infection-fighting antibodies, thus improving your resistance to disease.” They go on to say, humor in a relationship could help you let go of your defenses because you forget about judgment or doubt, act more spontaneous, and express your true feelings. 

Humor in a relationship is very healthy. Using humor indicates your partner wants to keep things light-hearted or they are trying to make you feel good if you’ve expressed feeling negatively. Either way, their deliberate use of humor is for your benefit and a good sign.

If you and your partner just don’t seem to get one another’s sense of humor, you’re in for a dull life. If your partner doesn’t feel the need to keep things light or want to see you smile, never let someone steal your smile! 

4. You Don’t Think About Them When They Aren’t Around

When a person is in a healthy relationship, they spend time with their partner that leaves them feeling fulfilled. If your family, hobbies, friends, and even doing your taxes start to get you more excited than spending time with your partner, you’ve lost interest. If you and your partner separate and you move on with your day as if you never got together, you may be over them.

5. They’re Inconsistent

If the person you’re dating says one thing and does another and makes promises they often don’t keep, you’re dealing with an inconsistent partner. You find you don’t know who they will be from one day to the next. Their actions and mood are unpredictable. If you’re not getting a person with consistent actions, then something is holding them back from giving you their full attention and respect.

6. They Don’t Make An Effort With Your Family and Friends

This is a telling one. When a person is interested in you, they really care about what the people you love think of them. They are looking to make a good impression. They say yes to get togethers with your family and friends and they seem interested in getting to know them. This is all in the interest of making you feel secure and happy. This is when you know someone is into you. 

If your partner always has excuses why “they just want to spend time with you,” they’re not able to share in your life in a healthy manner. This will inevitably create problems for you down the road. 

If your partner is unwilling to enter into your world as you do for them, then they are not prioritizing or respecting your needs. Your friends and family have been established before they came along. If it feels like you have to give them up because your partner isn’t willing to spend time with them this is not a good sign.

7. The Sex Is Bad Or Nonexistent

When the thought of being with your partner sexually feels foreign or even off-putting, this is a red flag there is trouble in paradise. There can be many reasons this could happen. Your lack of a connection isn’t getting you in the mood, their behavior is negative and far from a turn-on, they’re not giving you any clear signs that they’re interested in you sexually. Whatever the reason, address it head-on or run the other way if a sexual connection is important to you.

8. You’re Lives Are Separated 

If you spend most of your leisure time and family time apart, there is likely a reason you aren’t blending your worlds. What’s worse, is if you ask for this person to prioritize spending time with you, doing the things you want to do and they refuse or make excuses. Your interests should matter to them. Even if they do not want to partake in your interests, they should be willing to learn about what excites you and give you the space to talk about this. 

If they keep what they do in their spare time a mystery, they are either hiding something or not interested in letting you get to know them. 

9. You Fight Often

Fighting is normal, even in a healthy relationship. You and your partner are two different people with two different opinions. Fighting on occasion isn’t a bad thing. It could mean that you are passionate about them and fighting for them to see your side because they matter so much to you. 

But, there are relationship red flags to look out for that are clear indications your fighting is unhealthy.

Unhealthy Fighting

Of course, first and foremost, if you’re fighting gets physical this isn’t okay. If you or they, or both of you cannot control your anger so much so that it turns physical, your toxic to each other. 

Other, less serious, but problematic red flags include name-calling, threatening to break up with you, or infidelity. If these fights are frequent you’re at risk of developing mental health issues such as stress, anxiety, or depression. Fight fair, end the relationship or seek professional help if this is becoming too often and too painful.

10. There Is Little To No Communication

On the flip side of fighting, if you and your partner barely communicate, this could mean a couple of things. Your communication doesn’t go well so you’ve given up. Or, you or they just don’t care enough to communicate effectively. 

If you show a genuine interest in what your partner has to say, actively listen by repeating some key facts back to them about what they said, and given them positive encouragement you’re communicating well. 

If they do not mirror the same behavior for you, communicate negatively, or tell you something like, “I just want to relax,” whenever you want to communicate, they are not respecting your relationship.

11. They Never Talk About The Future

This is one of the easier relationship red flags to spot. If your partner avoids making plans for the future with you or they discuss plans with others that don’t include you, they are not interested in keeping you around for the long haul. It isn’t okay for you to be made out to seem like a crazy person when you ask about a future with them. If this is something they want, they will welcome the conversation. 

Other clear signs they don’t want a future with you include getting angry when you ask, telling you it isn’t necessary to discuss this now, or negative non-verbal communication like rolling their eyes at you, appearing frustrated, becoming less affectionate, or turning their body away from you. Reasons they may avoid this topic could be they are keeping their options open or they are afraid to tell you they aren’t that into you.

12. You Feel Worn Out After You See Them

When you connect with a person you typically feel happy and at peace when you’re spending time with them. If you’re dating someone and you find you feel drained and relieved once you go home for the evening, this is a tell-tale sign you’re incompatible.

There’s likely a power struggle going on, insecurity on their part which makes them act out, or they feel trapped in something they don’t want to be in.

They constantly correct you or scoff at your opinions. This can feel demeaning, embarrassing, discouraging, and downright hurtful. If they are constantly draining your energy for any reason this isn’t healthy. Relationship red flags like this are bad for your mental and physical health.

13. You Feel Negative Emotions More Often

If your encounters with your partner leave you feeling mad, stressed, sad or drained more often than not, this is unhealthy. When a person consistently feels negative, this can lead to behavioral changes like isolating more, lashing out at others, or unhealthy behaviors aimed to temporarily reduce stress like overeating, under-eating or using substances.

How Do You Tell Someone A Relationship Isn’t Working?

Even if you suspect this person isn’t invested in the relationship, letting them go most kindly is best. Why? What if you had feelings for them, but feel they do not? Feeling hurt may cause you to break up with them in a crass and abrupt manner. 

But, if you choose to break up with them and discuss your reservations (i.e. “I don’t feel we are on the same page with how we feel about each other” or “I’m not sure we are a good fit for each other”) and respect (i.e. “I wish you all the best”) then you will have a better chance of finding out how they really feel. This is because you expressed how you feel and didn’t place any blame on them. 

Finally, it is always best to let someone down gently and honestly because if they showed signs of any red flags that made you feel unsafe, you don’t want to be harsh with someone threatening.

Remove Yourself From The Equation to Help See The Red Flags

Relationship red flags can be hard to notice when you’re “in the bubble” of the relationship. You may be rationalizing many things outside of your awareness.

A vital tip to consider when trying to spot relationship red flags is pretty simple:

Consider what the potential relationship red flag may be for you. Take yourself out of the equation. If a loved one confided in you about this concern, would you view it as a red flag the relationship was in trouble?

Why is this effective?

When we look at someone else’s life it’s easier to view it more objectively. The facts of the situation are clearer because you’re not clouded by the subjective emotional responses that makes problems harder to see.

A healthy relationship is vital to your happiness, and a toxic relationship can lessen that happiness. If your constantly questioning the relationship and losing for yourself and others to justify things are okay, they probably aren’t. Recognize the red flags early and save yourself precious time and energy. 

Most people dream of having a happy and healthy relationship. What’s more, it could make a difference in your physical and mental health. One important way to ensure you and your partner are happy is by being consistent in your emotions and behavior.

What Does It Mean To Be A Consistent Partner?

Behaviorally, consistency means many things. 

For example:

• Staying in contact with each other regularly 
• Being there for your partner when they need you
• Having a sense of commitment to the process of a relationship
• Getting to know each other’s likes and dislikes
• Keeping plans you both make together
• Taking an interest in your hobbies, friends, family, and job.
• Experiencing life moments together, however big or small.

However, what sets a consistent partner apart, is their ability to be consistent in their communication, reliability, and interest in you. 

When your love interest proves to be consistent with small elements of your relationship, they are more likely to be a stable long-term partner.

What does it mean to be an inconsistent partner?

When a partner is inconsistent, it could leave a person feeling defeated, disappointed, inadequate, sad, and/or angry. 

This is quite a list of negative emotions to experience regularly. 

Often, a person will stay in the relationship because “there are good moments” and “they love them.”

But, this comes at a cost. 

An inconsistent partner can make you feel drained and on edge. The fear of the next time they will switch gears and feel like your enemy is looming.

When your partner is consistent, however, you’re more likely to fall into a routine with one another, experience happiness together, and feel calm overall.

An inconsistent partner is, more often than not, unpredictable in their mood and actions. 

Fortunately, if your partner is more likely to predict your mood and behavior, they’re more likely to open up to you and feel a connection.

If not, they will feel guarded and on edge due to fearing what your response may be.

There could be many reasons for inconsistency in a person’s behavior such as poor self-esteem, a traumatic upbringing, substance abuse, poor role models, poor conflict resolution skills, a mental health issue due to life circumstances, or a chemical imbalance. 

There are plenty of men and women who set certain expectations at the beginning of a relationship. 

As time goes on, inconsistent partners will be unable to meet the expectations they had originally promised.

They may have painted a picture of a life together that brought hope and relief to someone who has been searching for stability in a romantic partner. 

If they are unable to deliver on their promises, it could feel like a betrayal.  

One thing will always be true, you can only control your actions, not the actions of others. 

Here are ways in which you can remain a consistent or predicable partner:

1. Do What You Say You’re Going To Do

If you promise the world, you’d better be able to deliver it. Otherwise, you are perceived as untrustworthy. Be realistic about your feelings and your actions. 

If you say “I love you” too early, for example, and then behave moody, skip out on plans and you don’t open up about your feelings, your original message has proven to be disingenuous.

Try your best to not overpromise and under deliver. Just be yourself and do what you can. If you can’t, it’s only a matter of time until this becomes apparent.

2. Express Gratitude Consistently 

Expressing gratitude shows that you appreciate your partner’s efforts to make you happy.

Expressing gratitude consistently sends the message that you want them to continue doing nice things for you, which means you want them around. 

 It is an ego-boost for them, and when your partners happy so are you.

As a bonus, doing this will increase the odds that your partner will want to do things for you that keep you expressing gratitude. 

This way, you both win. 

3. Consistency In A Relationship Motivates Healthy Behaviors

Do you remember the last time you were in a bad relationship?

You know, the one where you felt like you constantly got mixed messages, your partner was nowhere to be found and you were pretty sure they were lying about 100 different things. 

If you think back, this likely affected your self-care.

You were so consumed with feelings of inadequacy that you did not do your best at healthy habits such as eating well, exercising, and making time to unwind and relax. 

What’s worse, you may have even been smoking or using substances regularly to cope with the stress.

Ultimately, self-care went out of the window and you questioned things about yourself due to your so-called partner’s actions.

Remain consistent in your actions and you will find you and your partner feed off of one another’s positive energy. You’re more like to want to take care of yourselves to benefit each other. 

If this is happening now, it’s not easy, but you need to consider what your next steps should be to ensure you’re living a life you deserve.

4. Be An Escape From Their Stressors

You can accomplish this by listening attentively: encourage them to continue speaking by saying things like, “Really?”, “What did you think about that.?”

Additionally, support their feelings with statements such as “That sounds so frustrating,” “I’m sorry to hear you’re upset,” or “what can I do to help?”

Nonverbal communication tells them you care as well. 

Make good eye contact so they know your attention is with them. 

Ideally, you want to express unguarded body language (don’t cross your arms, face your body towards them, put your hand on theirs as a sign of support).

Feeling Incapable of Being a Consistent Partner?

If you feel you may have a mental health issue talk to a mental health professional to understand how you can become more stable. 

Conversely, behaviors from a partner such as harsh criticism, ongoing conflict, being controlling, belittling, verbally, and physically abusive and overall inconsistent can make a person feel anxious or depressed over time.

An unreliable partner is unpredictable in the way they treat people: “freezing their partner out and refusing to talk or swinging between being kind and short-tempered.

This form of unreliability can have serious and adverse effects on a persons’ sense of security and self-esteem.”

Don’t tolerate this in your life. It is better to be single and work on your happiness than have someone steal your self-esteem and joy.

Everyone has their own needs and desires when it comes to relationships, handling stress, and living a healthy life.

Maintaining a consistent relationship could mean noticeable benefits to your mental and physical health.

Have you ever heard the expression idle hands are the devil’s playground? 

A report from Forbes.com found that sources of millennial anxiety may include a difficult job market, student debt, and psychological issues such as ambition addiction, career crisis, and too many choices.

With all of these stresses, it is often much easier to feel overwhelmed and therefore decide to put off tasks.

The Effects Of A Lack Of Routine

When you put off tasks you are choosing to have no established routine. This is what leads to a general feeling of stress and perpetual chaos. 

Many people resist establishing routines because they don’t want to feel like every day is a mundane. They want more individuality. 

However, having no routine (which ultimately is a lack of structure) is so much more draining mentally, physically, and emotionally.

When there is no set routine to fill your day a person is much more likely to engage in excessive behaviors. These behaviors could include overeating, drinking excessively, a sedentary lifestyle, oversleeping, etc.

Why Is Having A Routine Important?

Consider the lifestyle of the people you know that are successful. You’ll likely find that they engage in an everyday routine. People who establish and maintain routines are almost always physically and mentally healthier and more productive.

When you make plans with a mentally healthy person, they check their calendar because they are organized.  

For disorganized people, the morning can be very difficult. Beginning a new day can feel like a major challenge when there is no structure. 

All of your to-do list items are frantically bouncing around your head, if they haven’t been freed from their cerebral prison. 

How do you free your mind and make room for mental clarity? 

Having a routine can significantly help with stress because there is predictability in your life due to more action being taken. 

Routines are a set schedule one creates for themselves to get things done and maintain structure is an otherwise chaotic world. 

When there is a set schedule for tasks such as doing chores, work tasks, exercising, paying bills, schedule doctor’s appointments, food prepping, etc. the world becomes a more predictable place. 

The predictability of routine can provide a sense of direction in an otherwise unpredictable world.

There is peace and a sense of calm in knowing what will happen next as opposed to “I feel too overwhelmed to get anything done!”

You keep repeating in your head “Make sure you go grocery shopping, make sure you go grocery shopping.” 

Maybe you do go grocery shopping, but not at the expense of having tasks like this take over your mind with repetition because your worried you will forget.

Things you need to accomplish week after week can easily be recorded somewhere so you don’t have to worry about forgetting.

Most importantly, you are causing yourself unnecessary stress. Unburden your mind with a routine you can visually see.

When Considering Your Daily Routine…

Get It Out Of Your Mind

Trying to store our “to do” list in our memory banks can feel overwhelming and you could miss important deadlines in which things need to be accomplished.

With technology today, there is no excuse for being disorganized.

Ways in which to organize your information include using a paper calendar or digital calendar such a google calendar, setting reminders on your phone, and so on. 

Some people like to have an actual planner they can write in and keep with them.

Others prefer to do everything electronically. Whatever type of person you are, staying organized is your key to success. 

Writing out a list you can see works by reducing chaos and lending structure to your day. To write an effective list, start with your top objectives for the day. 

Keep it small, realistic, and focused. 

Write out everything that you need to accomplish in the week ahead.

Next, list these things in matters of importance. Consider ditching the items that are low on a long list, because they could be weighing you down and are unnecessarily distracting. 

Be sure to add tasks you complete every day of the week, such as making the bed, laying out your clothes and food prepping. Include everything so it can have its place within your daily routine.

Once this becomes your normal routine, it’s easier to accomplish even more tasks because you feel a sense of control by creating a good habit that encourages an organized lifestyle.

Prepare For Your Day The Night Before

Before bed, take some time to plan out what tomorrow will look like, including all the chores and tasks you need to get done.

This can include making a to-do list in order of what is most important or time-sensitive.

This can also include setting an intention for the next day so that you feel a sense of direction. 

You can put reminders on your phone for tasks that are outside of your normal routine (i.e. making an appointment with your doctor), to ensure you complete your tasks. 

Wake Up Around The Same Time Everyday

If you start work at 9 am and you leave yourself enough time to brush your teeth and throw on clothes, you will feel disheveled and you will start your day feeling anxious. 

This leads to a feeling of discomfort and chaos. Instead, be sure to leave yourself enough time where you do not feel like you have to rush. 

Start slow and steady and you just might have a more relaxed day.

Declutter Your Life

If you tell yourself you would like to be more organized from here on in and your living space looks like you got robbed, you’re not setting yourself up for success.

 Keep your space, especially your workspace, as neat as possible and throw away things you do not need. 

Then, you will see less physical clutter and therefore feel less mental clutter. This leads to feeling better prepared to take care of business.

Have A Morning Routine

This could include getting out of bed and brushing your hair, washing your face, brushing your teeth, mediating, exercising, setting morning intentions. 

If you are not a morning person, have your clothes laid out for you the night before so this doesn’t slow you down. 

Have a coffee pot with a timer that brews your coffee for you at a set time each day (also a great way to save money rather than convincing yourself, you need to buy fancy designer coffee every day!)

Whatever it takes to ensure you have predictability in the morning. 

Plan Ahead

Sure, it’s exciting to be spontaneous. However, when there is consistently a lack of structure in your day or week, this causes a sense of chaos. 

Do things to prepare ahead of time for your week ahead. 

For instance, Sunday is a good day to decide on meals for the week, plan out your days to the best of your ability, and decide which tasks can realistically be completed on each day and at what time. 

Make Sure To Consistently Eat and Drink

So many clients say to me “I get so busy, I just don’t have time to eat.” This is an epic mistake. You need food and water to keep up your energy and remain productive.

If you’re putting off eating, you’re more likely to feel fatigued, irritable and your mind will be cloudier. 

Make food a priority to maintain good mental health and physical balance.

Exercise 

Ideally, this would be in the morning. If you make mornings a lot harder than they have to be like me, this may not happen! Be sure to get some sort of exercise into your routine. 

You could decide to not exercise because you don’t have the time available you would like to commit to it or choose exercising in whatever amount of time is feasible. 

It’s a much better decision to get any exercise in that you can. Youtube.com has a multitude of short interval exercises such as 5-minute ab workouts, High intensity, full-body 15-minute workouts, etc. 

Do not forget to include exercise in your daily routine any way you can and you will notice how much more energy you have. Often, you make better food choices as well.

Be Selfish!

Putting your needs first and ensuring that your mental health is as stable as possible helps create a sense of control and aides in having better relationships.

It is for the greater good for yourself and those you love in the end.

You can be there for your loved one’s once you’ve taken care of business.

Set A Routine That’s Right For You

The best way to approach establishing a routine is to be as specific as possible by adding tasks to your schedule at a set time each day or week. 

Making things as predictable as possible and leaving very little room to deviate from your schedule is where you will see success in your routine. 

More importantly, you will feel more grounded, in control, and less stress overall. 

Once You Have Your Routine…

Once you’ve established a routine, give it a little time and it’ll start to feel like second nature.

It is at this point that you can now challenge yourself by adding something new and valuable to your life each week. 

Be mindful of the things that you’d like to add to your routine, but have felt too overwhelmed to add, such as regular exercise and social interaction.

For example, if you’re a morning person, you may want to establish a routine in which you commit to exercising two to three days a week at 7:00 am for 20-45 minutes.

If you do any more than this, amazing; you’re ahead of the game. However, it is important to start realistically and be honest with yourself when seeking goal acquisition. 

Your routine has to work with who you are.

If you like to stay up late, setting the intention to get up early as part of your routine may decrease your success of feeling a routine is within your capability.

Evan Williams, the founder of Blogger, Twitter, and Medium, takes a break in the middle of his day to go to the gym.

“My focus is usually great first thing in the morning, so going to the gym first is a trade-off of very productive time. Instead, I’ve started going mid-morning or late afternoon.”

Creating a daily routine that includes sleeping, eating, exercising, and recreational activities in a busy schedule, allows you to work better, be more efficient, and stay fulfilled. It keeps the momentum going.

Consider The Best Mental Health Routine

However, many people create a routine to help them physically and fail to consider the importance of doing the same for their mental health. 

Getting into a daily routine can benefit your mental health because it creates stability, structure, and predictability.

You may already incorporate relaxation skills or distraction behaviors into your routine to maintain good mental health.

If not, some to consider are meditating, diaphragmatic breathing, guided imagery, progressive muscle relaxation, setting daily intentions, etc.

The way we think and therefore behave is crucial to our overall success in life.

Monitoring and challenging negative self-talk can make space in your mind for a sense of clarity and direction.

Negative thoughts, or pessimistic thinking, can prevent you from enjoying life. This type of thinking can distract you from focusing on what’s important and drain your energy. 

Practice challenging your negative thinking every time you have a negative thought that does not serve any positive purpose. Here’s how.

Having a daily routine can help significantly reduce stress. When you try to rely on your memory to accomplish things from one day to the next, you’re more likely to lose information and become frustrated when you keep forgetting to do things. 

Trying to remember things can be stressful and can fill our brains with everything on our ‘to do’ list; which can be incredibly overwhelming. 

Routine can take the guesswork and uncertainty out of your day, which allow you to feel more in control and less stressed.

The benefit of having a daily routine is that you are allowing yourself to reduce putting things off, you’re focusing on what matters to you, and keeping track of your goals. 

Having a routine can help cultivate positive daily habits and to prioritize self-care. Organizing your time increases the opportunity to schedule important things.

Organize yourself around your values and goals and allow your best self to shine through.

“It’s not a luxury to actually cultivate mindfulness. It’s becoming an absolute necessity.”
– Jon Kabat-Zinn

This post may contain affiliate links. If you use these links to buy something I may earn a commission at no additional cost you. Thank you for your support.

The world needs mindfulness now more than ever. If you are unsure what exactly mindfulness is read here.

In its simplest terms, Mindfulness is the psychological process of purposely bringing one’s attention to what is occurring in the present moment without judgment.

Mindfulness is a type of meditation in which you focus on being intensely aware of what you’re sensing and feeling in the moment.

Use hero30 for 30% off Jon Kabat Zinn!

Practicing mindfulness on a regular basis, in everything you do, can significantly help reduce stress.

In this online program, StreetSmart Wisdom: Mindfulness In The Digital Age, Jon Kabat-Zinn, scientist, author, and Founder of Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) and Steve Stein, Publisher at BetterListen/WisdomFeed, discuss the ever-growing importance of mindful living in the 21st century.

Topics Discussed

Cultivating Mindfulness In The Digital Age

Mindful Parenting

The Science of Mindfulness: Telomeres, Stress, Meditation, and Longevity

Mindfulness and the Pull of Digital Distraction 

What does it even mean to “Do the Right Thing”

A Ten Minute Mindfulness Practice

Jon Kabat-Zinn, PhD, is internationally known for his work as a scientist, writer, and mindfulness meditation teacher. He aims to bring mindfulness practices into the mainstream of medicine and society.

He is professor of medicine at the University of Massachusetts Medical School, where he was founding executive director of the Center for Mindfulness in Medicine. Jon Kabat-Zinn is the former director of its world-renowned Stress Reduction Clinic. 

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Currently, most people are home more often than not due to the coronavirus. Many people are wondering how to improve themselves and find happiness and peace.

Practicing mindfulness offers an escape from thinking about the past and the future and helps you learn to focus on the present with laser focus.

If your mind and body are not connected to the present moment, stress occurs due to this disconnection.

We could all use a little more peace in our lives right now.

Equally important, is learning a new skill that will be used for the rest of your life. To be more mindful helps you appreciate the power of simply being you. There are less questions, less “what if’s” or “what could have been,” no judgment.

Tell me, what have you done today to improve your life and overall sense of being?

If you’re ready to learn how to stress less, parent more mindfully, focus less on technology and more: Use hero30 for 30% off Jon Kabat Zinn!

Let me know your experience with this program in the comments section below.

Enjoy!

Bored at home? Then check out this list of things you can do to stay sane while stuck at home. Being stuck doesn’t have to feel so stuck!

1. Do Something You Wanted To Do Or Enjoyed In Your Childhood

When you’re a child, you have all of these hobbies, skills, and desires that seem so attainable. We are full of dreams such as “I will walk on the moon,” “I’m going to be a professional basketball player.” We aim high and feel such innocent excitement and wishful thinking.

 Sadly, at some point, some of us lose the ability to reach for the stars and give things a try. Think back to something you felt excited about trying as a kid. Maybe you thought about it and never put it into practice. Maybe you tried it, but didn’t give yourself enough time to become skillful.

Also, these aspirations do not have to be all that high. They can be, but we are talking about getting out of your comfort zone and giving yourself a chance to feel that childlike wonder and motivation to do something different.

If you’re like me, you had a hobby during your childhood that you eventually stopped for one reason or another. I enjoyed writing in my journal as a kid, I loved to run and I always wanted to play an instrument as a child but never did.

If you’ve got time to kill, and want to access that childlike wonder, think about something you dreamt abounding a give it a try. Okay, maybe it’s not that easy, depending on the fantasy. If you wanted to become an astronaut, for instance, and that’s just not going to happen, watch videos and research what it takes to become an astronaut.

Allow yourself to get lost in the excitement of the fantasy. Have fun with it and imagine this dream has come true. If your childhood dream is achievable, set your goals realistic and attainable. Read about creating SMART goals here for increased success at reaching your goals.

2. Do Something New Everyday

We all have to eat right? Try new recipes you’ve never cooked before. Many of us have stockpiled food items while we’ve been stuck at home, such as rice and beans, since we knew we’d be shopping less. Look up new recipes for what you have at home. Don’t underestimate the difference changing one food item or using new spices could bring to your palette to make the things you’re sick of eating exciting again. 

Doing something new every day doesn’t have to be something major to feel less stuck at home. It could simply be a way to switch up the monotony. Some suggestions are:

• Read a book you’ve always wanted to read
• Set up a virtual get together and catch up with family or friends
• Research something you’ve always wanted to try such as woodwork or crafting
• Try a new activity you’ve always wondered about such as yoga or scrapbooking
• Try meditating for ten minutes
• See how long you can go without social media or using your cell phone
• Go for a run to get your blood flowing
• Have a meatless day or a day in which you skip processed food and see how you feel
• Decide to do next to nothing if you’re overworked
• Involve yourself in a cause you believe in
• Plant a garden and watch beautiful flowers bloom
• Have a “Spa Day,” where you pamper yourself with a long, luxurious bath
• Take up photography and photograph beautiful pictures of nature
• Eat something you love mindfully
• Check out this list of Free Resources for mental health and courses you can try

Commit to one new thing a day while stuck at home. However big or small, doing something new can help differentiate each day and give you more to talk about.

3. Keep Your Body Moving

Exercise helps release “happy hormones,” such as norepinephrine and dopamine. One in 10 adults in the United States struggles with depression. An increase in isolating and factors being out of your control (like, I don’t, let’s say during an unprecedented pandemic?!,) could easily result in an increased level of anxiety and/or depression. 

According to a Harvard Medical School publication, exercise causes an improvement in brain function. “In people who are depressed, neuroscientists have noticed that the hippocampus in the brain—the region that helps regulate mood—is smaller. Exercise supports nerve cell growth in the hippocampus, improving nerve cell connections, which helps relieve depression,” explains Dr. Miller.  

 As a mental health counselor, people often tell me about physical injuries that make it difficult for them to exercise.

Most of the time, I hear that people have knee pain or an arm injury that challenges them. Sorry, but this is no excuse! If you’ve convinced yourself that working out has to be long and strenuous, this simply isn’t true. This belief will deter you from doing any exercise. Got a knee injury? Take it to the floor. There are thousands of exercise videos in which you can lay out a yoga mat or towel and work out on the ground, avoiding any strain on the knee.

When looking at achieving any goal, the key is to start small. Low-intensity exercise, in which you gradually increase the amount you do over time, is best. For example, a realistic and achievable exercise goal could be: “I will do yoga for 10 minutes, 1-3 times this week.

Variety is the spice of life. So, trying different exercises such as Pilates, yoga, cardio workouts, and so on, is a good way to never get bored. If you haven’t been outside and you’re looking for a light exercise, take a leisurely walk and get some fresh air. This can do wonders for your mood by getting some sun, which increases vitamin D. Changing the scenery can be enough to uplift your mood.

When you keep your body moving it increases your mental health stability. Do this any way you can. Laying around or sitting all day is a sure-fire way to bum yourself out and increase health risks to your body such as, diabetes, high blood pressure, and heart disease.

4. Use Your Hands

Keeping your hands occupied is a great way to relieve stress. 

Consider baking (kneading dough can be especially stress-relieving). 

On the other hand, some people struggle with boredom or stress eating. In this case, keep your hands busy so you can avoid food. This could be a good time for arts and crafts, puzzles, model airplanes, updating your furniture, or painting your walls. 

Crocheting is a great way to occupy your hands and master a new skill.

Buy a stress ball or silly putty to keep your hands occupied.

Learning or playing an instrument is a great way to occupy your hands.

Catch up on your house cleaning and organizing: You know you’ve been telling yourself you’ve been too busy to clean or organize the way you really want to. I have to call BS if you make this excuse during a quarantine when there is ample time to get to it!  

5. Do Something To Help Someone Else

Social distancing can be isolating and cause you to miss the ones you love. Someone out there needs some help, whether it is dropping off food and/or toiletries to an elderly or immunocompromised person’s house (everybody run and grab the toilet paper!), or things to keep them busy such as books or puzzles. 

You may decide you want to thank those who have been on the front lines of this pandemic, such as first responders, while you’ve been stuck at home. Sending them a self-care kit could be a great way to show you are thankful and they are in your thoughts.  

Many people have lost their jobs due to coronavirus, so spending money is not an option right now. If this is the case for you, dropping by a loved one’s house and staying outside with your mask on is a great way to keep them company and keep them safe. If your loved one lives far away, it doesn’t cost you any extra money to call them regularly or use a video app so you can see each other.

 Since you are likely less busy these days, it is a great opportunity to catch up with people you’ve meant to stay in contact with. Take the opportunity and let them know you care and they are not alone. 

Being at home during this stressful time doesn’t have to feel like you’re stuck. Treat this like a staycation. Play an instrument, pamper yourself with a bath and a mani/pedi, bring back that childlike innocence. Whatever it takes!

Stuck at home? First off, I want to thank you so much for being a good person and doing the right thing. You deserve a reward and to broaden your horizons.

The coronavirus has forced us all inside and out of contact with the outside world. The lives we had before will be disrupted for an unknown period. This, therefore, takes the element of control out of our lives. When we are not in control of our lives, stress is inevitable.

The important think to remember is that it is an inconvenience, but you are safe and considering the safety others . You don’t have to settle for watching hours upon hours of mindless TV (though this can be a great escape, it grows tiring).

Here are other ways in which you can enrich your life while staying at home. Don’t be afraid to learn something out of your comfort zone. During these challenging times, there is opportunity. The opportunity to do something new you always wished you had time for; and now you do.

There is a lot on our minds right now, so distraction is key. Here are some great resources for you to consider while while being a social distancing rockstar. 

Apps

Well, we will focus on t.v. for this one suggestion. If you have children, you are likely having a tough time right now keeping them occupied.  Amazon has made a library of kids’ TV shows free for all users. These shows are usually reserved for Amazon Prime customers, but now anyone can watch right now.

The Headspace meditation app has a meditation toolkit anyone can currently access for free. It includes meditations, sleep, and movement exercises.

The Calm App: This app is usually $5.83 per month, but you can get a free trial to try it and see if you like it. It has meditation, exercises for getting better sleep and masterclasses about different mindfulness related topics.

Courses

Mind Valley  offers a free curriculum that is designed to unleash the full potential of your mind, body, and spirit. Best selling authors, teachers and activists teach about life experience, the quality of of relationships, health, mindset and well being.

Here are 450 Ivy League courses you can take online right now for free. These courses come from 8 Ivy League schools and include courses in mathematics, personal development, Art & Design and Social Sciences, to name a few. My favorite is a course on learning how to communicate more effectively at work from the University of Pennsylvania.

Coursera includes wellness courses such as understanding mindfulness and understanding the science of happiness available for free.

Get Your Body Moving

Pop Sugar Active is giving away free workouts. The new Active by POPSUGAR app, a paid monthly subscription providing hundreds of do-anywhere workouts, set to launch in the next few weeks, is officially launching right now for free. They offer categories of strength, cardio, yoga, and Pilates, and challenges such as 4-Week Full-Body Fusion.

Start following some fitness YouTube accounts for working out at home. You don’t need any equipment. YouTube cardio and yoga videos have been a life saver for me!

Get The Kids Moving:

Subscribe to Cosmic Kids Yoga: Yoga, mindfulness and relaxation designed specially for kids aged 3+, used in schools and homes all over the world. My son is under 3, but he loved it and so did my daughter who is soon to be 1 1/2. It’s really cute to watch them try the moves and there are different yoga video themes like Frozen and Trolls!

Educational Resources, Because The Kids Are Still Driving You Crazy

Scholastic Learn at Home

PBS Kids

Age of Learning

Mystery Science

More Mental Health Resources

DBT Diary Card and Skills Coach

A free guide to learning how to meditate by meditationexpert.com.

Check out these relaxation techniques used in CBT to relief stress. Among other things, you”ll discover the best way to breath to relieve stress.

My Stress Less Fast Guide can be found here.

Here are 5 ways to get a better sleep when faced with stress.

My guide to Relieving Stress Naturally can be found here.

25 Quotes To Help You Stress Less are definitely useful; now more than ever.

Positive Intentions and Affirmations to tell yourself during the coronavirus pandemic will prove very useful right now as this situation painfully unfolds.

My top 5 favorite mental health podcasts are sure to relieve some tensions. Podcasts are amazing because you can listen to them anywhere, there is a podcast for just about anything and they are free. If you’d like to venture outside of the mental health topic, a great podcast search engine that can help you narrow down your focus is Listen Notes. It makes it easy to browse by topic or search by keyword.

Stress Relief Games A great collection of hand-picked games to help you stress less.

Don’t forget to check out my stress management resources page, offering great tools and organizations that can help you relieve stress.

Crisis Support Resources For All

National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1- 800-799-7233
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-TALK (8255)
National Hopeline Network: 1-800-SUICIDE (800-784-2433)
Crisis Text Line: Text “DESERVE” TO 741-741
Lifeline Crisis Chat (Online live messaging): https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/chat/
Self-Harm Hotline: 1-800-DONT CUT (1-800-366-8288)
Planned Parenthood Hotline: 1-800-230-PLAN (7526) 
American Association of Poison Control Centers: 1-800-222-1222
National Council on Alcoholism & Drug Dependency Hope Line: 1-800-622-2255

National Crisis Line – Anorexia and Bulimia: 1-800-233-4357
GLBT Hotline: 1-888-843-4564
TREVOR Crisis Hotline: 1-866-488-7386
AIDS Crisis Line: 1-800-221-7044

For My Fellow New Yorkers: NY’s virus case count is doubling every 3 days. NYC Well is your connection to free, confidential mental health support. Speak to a counselor via phone, text, or chat and get access to mental health and substance use services, in more than 200 languages, 24/7/365.

If you are from Long Island, The Long Island Crisis Center is an excellent resource for crisis management. Learn more here.

I hope you find this list of resources helpful. Please feel free to add any suggestions for free resources you’ve found along the way. Stay safe!

We are living in a time of widespread social disruption, fear, stress, confusion. You name the negative emotion, people are feeling it. The threat of the coronavirus (COVID-19) infecting children, elderly loved ones and those who are immunocompromised is very frightening. 

Most people fall on two ends of the spectrum: “This is not a big deal and the media is hyping it up to seem worse than it is” or “We have an obligation to humanity to protect each other from this virus.”

Before we discuss selective social distancing. Let me provide a brief description of social distancing. Social Distancing is a term applied to certain actions that are taken by Public Health officials to stop or slow down the spread of a highly contagious disease. Not only is this in the hands of public health officials, but it is up to independently owned businesses and individuals alone to comply with what is safe. 

The CDC, in particular, defines social distancing as “remaining out of congregate settings, avoiding mass gatherings, and maintaining a distance (approximately 6 feet or 2 meters) from others when possible.”

Staying home and avoiding contact with people can reduce the number of infections over time. But, considering the fact that this is essentially an honor system, the decision is left to each person how they choose to live their lives; in isolation or congregation.

With unprecedented cancellations, schools closing their doors, Wall Street basically desolate, NCAA March Madness basketball games canceled, it should be pretty clear by now that this virus is a massive concern to mankind. So, why are there still so many people ignoring all of the warnings?

Selective Social Distancing

Selective Social Distancing (SSD) is when a person decides when they will distance themselves socially or when they will come in close proximity with others.

Ways in Which People Are Engaging in Selective Social Distancing

• Spending Time With Certain People: A person may decide that their friend said she hasn’t been outside of her home in three days so it is safe to see her. But, what if she received a contaminated package at her door, touch it, and is unaware she is sick yet?
• Making Big Plans: According to USA Today, Millennials are under fire for continuing their regular nightlife routine. Some are even booking trips to other states and countries because it is dirt cheap right now. The truth is, they may get to that destination, have a great time and come back unscathed. But what about the elderly or immunocompromised people they do infect?
• Engaging In Their Regular Routine: Some people are still going to the gym, leisurely clothing shopping, meeting at restaurants and then returning home. One justification for this is that businesses are telling people they are keeping things extra sanitary. With high profile restaurants such as Subway sending their customers’ emails about the new precautions they are taking, people feel satisfied. 

Why Social Distancing Is So Crucial

We are once again a country divided. People who are self-isolating are fueled with anger and viewing those that aren’t self-isolating as selfish.

The CDC suggests keeping a distance of 6 feet between yourself and others to minimize the spread of the disease. However, if you go media crazy and search the internet for more and more answers on how you should protect yourself and others, many articles are stating that “3 feet or more” is acceptable. What’s worse, people are gathering recipes for homemade virus killing recipes that are either simply ineffective or causing people to clear the shelves at stores making it impossible for sick people to receive the products they need.

These are just two examples of misinformation or educated guesses being circulated across the internet as fact. These are some of the reasons why some people are not taking this threat seriously. The messages are not consistent. Above all, the element of choice is still very present and up for interpretation.

Engaging in selective social distancing is a gamble and could affect the lives of others.

Social Distancing Doesn’t Have To Be Lonely

Now is more of a time than ever to stay connected. Those more sensitive to social isolation (people with chronic or severe depression) must reach out to others to maintain their mental health stability. 

Fortunately, we are living in a time where many people already spend most of their time connected with others through the use of technology. We live in a time where my 90-year-old grandpa was cruising the internet and even had a Facebook account. People of all ages can stay connected by:

• Using FaceTime
• Using apps like the Zoom video platform. It’s free to use and you can even set up a group “get together.” https://zoom.us
• If you run into a neighbor while getting the mail, for instance, you can talk to each other if you keep the 6 foot safe distance in mind.

The Bright Side

 In this time of high stress, uncertainty and cabin fever, the way in which you choose to live your life will be important for your mental health. This could be a time of great opportunity. The opportunity to reconnect with your family (via webcam of course) or to catch up on things that you wanted to do while you are stuck at home such as organization and cleaning. 

Remember all the times you wanted to take up something new, but you were too busy to make it happen? Whether it be learning a new language, woodwork, catching up on your shows or doing absolutely nothing (because you can), maybe it’s a good time to embrace this unique situation by using it for self-improvement? self-reflection? 

Be creative, and most of all be safe and respect the safety of others.

With stress as widespread as the coronavirus pandemic, it is important to take a moment to pause and check in with your mindset. Overly stressing and driving yourself mad with all of the “what-ifs” will only cause unnecessary pain and suffering.  

Is this a real life cause for concern? Absolutely. However, studies show the more we maintain positive thinking the higher the likelihood we will be mentally and physically healthier. 

Take a deep breath and read these positive intentions and affirmations to reset your mind and maintain a healthy outlook.

Read them as many times as you need to and highlight the ones that resonate with you. 

1. I will lean on my loved ones for support during this stressful time.
2. Too much stress will only hurt my immune system; I will do everything I can to stay positive. 
3. I will prepare to the best of my ability and be satisfied with my efforts. 
4. My body and mind can handle this challenge.
5. If I focus on the things I can control, I will feel more clear-headed.
6. I will not forget that we are in this together, and I will carry myself in this manner.
7. My loved ones will learn how to be strong in the face of adversity through my actions.
8. I will live in the moment and not allow myself to worry too much about what “could be.”
9. It is within my power and control to trust my judgement.
10. I choose to follow all of the advisories and keep myself well informed.
11. I will not overwhelm myself with the media’s interpretation of this situation.
12. There’s only so much I can do for others, and I’m doing the best I can.
13. I will eat well and exercise at home to keep my body and mind healthy.
14. My mind, body and spirit are working together for a peaceful, stronger me.
15. This will pass. Until then, I will ride out the storm with dignity, using common sense to guide me.

Be safe and stay up to date with the latest news and guidelines on the coronavirus (COVID-19).

Knowledge is power; it could save your life.   

“I can eat an entire sleeve of cookies without realizing it until they’re gone.” “I’ll watch tv and all of the sudden I ate the entire bag of potato chips.” “My biggest problem is stress eating.”  “My biggest problem is I eat when I’m bored.”

As a licensed mental health counselor who conducts psychological assessments for people looking to receive bariatric weight loss surgery, people tell me some variation of these statements several times a week.

Growing up, many people were told things like “Finish your broccoli and you’ll get desert” or “You have to eat your entire plate of food before you can leave the table.”

However, few were taught to pay attention to when you’re full and stop eating. Mindful eating is this and much more. 

What is Mindful Eating? 

Mindful eating is a way to bring awareness to your experiences with food. Mindful eating is paying attention to our food on purpose. An important characteristic of a mindful state is that it’s free of judgment. Therefore, when you’re eating, just eat. It is best to leave all negative emotions out of the experience of eating to the best of your ability. In this approach, the focus is on a persons sensual awareness of food and their deliberate experience when it comes to eating.

If you slow down, you can give your body a chance to catch up to gain awareness of the signals that you’re getting full, your fuller, and now your officially satiated.

Ideally, you want to treat the act of eating like a priority with as much importance as going to work or to the gym to maintain stability in life. It is the star of the show and your focusing only on it. 

What Is Mindless Eating?

Mindless eating is basically ignoring your bodies signal that tells you you’re full and it’s time to stop eating. The act of eating mindlessly can also be to suppress a negative emotion or eating while doing too many things. Mindless eating makes anything else the focus other than eating with intention. It ensures that we will not eat mindfully and with purpose and that we will likely overeat.

If you find yourself mindlessly eating, that’s okay. The important thing is that you brought it to your awareness. There’s still time to hit the reset button and practice mindful eating as many times as it takes.

3 Steps to Mindful Eating 

1. Eat Only When Hungry: Eat at around the same time each day and ideally when you’re actually hungry. Take a minute to consider if you’re hungry or if you are stress, boredom or emotional eating. Once you start to feel full stop eating, even if there is still food left. 
2. Consider All of Your Senses While Eating: As you look down at your food, take a look at the colors of the food and how it is presented. Take a moment to really smell your food. Is the smell soothing? Invigorating? Listen to the sounds of yourself chewing and be sure to chew thoroughly (ideally 32-40 times).  Is it crunchy? Mushy? Finger-liking good? Can you get into a rhythm along with your chewing? What does your food feel like? Is it crunchy, chewy, smooth? Really focus on tasting your food and savoring the flavor. Is it sweet, salty, spicy, or my favorite umami? 
3. Focus Only On Eating: Look, we all have very busy scheduled and we can make every excuse in the book why we have to eat hand held food and “on the go.” Try your very best to focus on eating and only eating. Make it the main event and you’’ll have a better change at mindfully eating. If you’re eating in your car or in front of your tv, for instance, your focus will be on driving or what you are watching and you’re more likely to mindlessly eat.

People Tend to eat more mindfully when:

Food is prepared at home. This is because you’ve put your time and energy into making a meal. Rather than grabbing fast food, when you make it yourself, you tend to savor the fruits of your labor.

Food is aromatic. It’s one thing to scarf down a bagel every morning. But, imagine eating warm oatmeal wth cinnamon and brown sugar on a cold winter morning.  What we are eating can actually be soothing. Using herbs and spices in your food provide a tremendous flavor boost to an otherwise mundane meal.

New research shows that strong aromas lead to smaller bite sizes. One particular study found that when testing ten subjects, (four females and six males), aged between 26 and 50 years, the intensity of the aroma of their food affected the size of the bites of food they took when eating. Higher aroma intensities resulted in significantly smaller sizes.

Eating a variety of foods. Variety is the spice of life. If you’re not bored with what you’re eating, you’re more likely to slow down and make it an experience. Try new foods or prepare recipes for foods that you already love. It’s easier than you think to be your own chef. Cooking can be a great distraction from the very stress that can causes a person to overeat.

We eat with others. When you’re eating with at least one other person you tend to be more aware of your appearance. Instead of shoveling it down, you’ll likely be making conversation and taking more breaks between bites by virtue of having an eating buddy.

Be fully present when eating and make it an experience, even when eating alone. You don’t have to go out to a restaurant for eating to be an event. 

We have to eat everyday to keep up our energy, feel good and oh yea, survive. So be sure that when you’re eating it’s to respect your body and consume things that make you feel good about yourself.

Challenge yourself to eat mindfully at least once a day everyday or the next three days.

Next, eat mindfully for two meals for three days. Continue doing this until you’re eating mindfully every time you eat something.   

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is short-term psychotherapy for a wide range of psychological problems. The focus of therapy is on how you are thinking, behaving, and acting in the present, rather than examining your past experiences. CBT operates on the idea that our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors are all connected and can be pinpointed and modified. 

Aaron Beck was an American psychiatrist regarded as the father of cognitive behavioral therapy, who was a professor in the department of psychiatry at the University of Pennsylvania. 

This model hypothesizes that a person’s emotions and behaviors are affected by their perceptions of events. Beck proposed, “It is not a situation in and of itself that determines what people feel, but rather the way in which they construe a situation” (Beck, 1964). 

 Numerous studies have demonstrated that CBT is as effective as medication for depression, anxiety, and obsessive behaviors such as OCD and other fears. A 2012 meta-analysis published in the Journal of Cognitive Therapy and Research identified 269 studies that supported the use of CBT.

After reviewing 11 review studies comparing improvement rates between CBT and other therapy treatments, they found that CBT showed higher response rates than the comparison treatments in 7 of the 11 reviews (more than 60%). 

Negative Thoughts and CBT

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy can help you learn to recognize negative thoughts that you might be struggling with, and the underlying belief system that might be driving those thoughts. CBT teaches you how to cope with these thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Outside of therapy, you practice techniques that will build your confidence to restructure and challenge them. 

Who Can CBT Help?

CBT is helpful for adults and adolescents who struggle with various disorders including:

• Depression/Mood disorders
• Anxiety Disorders
• Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder
• Stress
• Substance Use Disorders
• Eating Disorders
• Medical Disorders/ Chronic Pain 
• Stress
• Personality Disorders
• Major Life Transitions
• Post-Traumatic Stress Disorders
• Low self-esteem
• Grief and loss 

The Role Of A CBT Therapist

CBT therapists discuss “here and now” experiences and aim to reduce negative, unwanted symptoms a person is experiencing. The therapist and client work together to pinpoint what the client feels are their main problems. Then, the client and therapist can work on effective coping strategies.

You and your therapist will work together to develop a therapy plan. This might include how often you need to come; the relevance of medication; your diagnosis; your goals; obtaining skills tailored to your problems; needed changes in the way you think, behave, and communicate; and so on.

 An important part of CBT is helping clients figure out what is most important to them in life. This requires helping them move toward achieving their goals. Goals should be “SMART,” specific, measurable, achievable, realistic, and time-limited. Read more about SMART goals here.

For example, a goal for a client with a generalized anxiety disorder may be to reduce the time they spend chronically worrying. For example, “I will work to reduce my worry thoughts with relaxation skills I learn, from 8 hours per day to 1 hour per day by the end of 6 weeks of therapy.” This goal is specific and there is a set timetable.

A therapist with CBT training will outline the key cognitive behavioral therapy concepts and techniques. They will have you establish goals based on what is important to you and even help you figure out what that is if you cannot identify this yourself.

Depending on the severity of your symptoms, it is important to establish a trustworthy experience with a therapist (which takes time) and to experience symptom relief through collaborative work between you and your therapist. 

What Does This Collaborative Relationship Look Like? 

Not only does the client have to be a key participant, but the therapist will develop a treatment plan along with the client that they’ve agreed upon and will carry out.

Your therapist will also hold you accountable for following through with assignments and helping you process what went well or didn’t in your practice and what you can do to achieve better results.

In my opinion, being a behavioral therapist myself, CBT is not meant to be life-long therapy. CBT aims toward reducing symptoms that brought the client into therapy in the first place. Ideally, a client will have new skills and ways of coping that help them maintain a healthy existence. 

The most important thing to understand is that cognitive-behavioral therapists believe it is important to have a good, trusting relationship. However, the work the client does, especially outside of therapy in their everyday life, is what will ultimately help them become a person with a healthier thought pattern.

Also, how the client acts and behaves is as essential as their thought pattern because one (thinking and behaving) play off of the other.

The Ultimate Goal of CBT

The ultimate goal of CBT is to replace negative thoughts and actions with productive behaviors that make the individual feel they have the tools to challenge any difficult moment. 

When clients understand the emotions and beliefs connected to the source of their discomfort, they are better able to reframe their negative thoughts by practicing positive self-talk. Individuals assess how they feel in real-world situations that trigger unwanted thoughts and emotions and create ways to respond productively. 

Some other forms of therapy are unstructured, but in cognitive-behavioral therapy, you and your therapist will set an agenda for each meeting. Having a structure to the therapy means there is an identifiable beginning, middle, and end to therapy. 

 The agenda might include a review of your experience in the previous session, your homework (the work being done in between sessions), one or two current problems, checking in on your current mood, and homework for the next week. The goal is to solve problems, not just complain about them. This type of therapy is predictable and action-oriented. The therapist will consistently check in to see if you’re still getting what you need from therapy. 

Self-Help Homework 

What you learn in therapy is what you practice outside of therapy on your own. Research demonstrates that clients who carry out homework assignments see a reduction in problematic symptoms faster and feel an improvement in negative symptoms longer. 

Your self-help homework may include: 

keeping track of your moods, thoughts, and behaviors; scheduling activities; developing goals; challenging your negative thoughts; relaxation exercises such as deep breathing; changing the way you communicate with others; mindfulness/meditation; behavioral experiments; journaling, role-playing; use of social support, attention to self-care such as proper sleeping nutrition or improving your health. 

CBT encourages you to try out new skills and practice healthier ways of thinking and acting.

There are Typically 5 Steps To CBT

1. Identify situations or problems. These may be the result of a medical condition, a mental illness, or a thinking or behavioral disorder.
2. The aim is to build awareness of thoughts, emotions, and beliefs about those situations or conditions. In other words, to start “thinking about your thinking.”
3. Clients will identify their negative or distorted thinking. To do this, the CBT therapist may ask the client to pay close attention to their physical, emotional, and behavioral responses to a troubling event and record them so they can discuss this in the session.
4. Challenge negative or distorted thinking. The therapist will ask the client to question whether their thoughts are based on facts or a distortion of the situation.
5. *Change thoughts and beliefs. This is the most important part. The ultimate goal is to replace negative, distorted thoughts with positive, accurate ones that are more realistic.

A distorted view can cause someone to:

• Predict the future negatively and stop you from trying new things. “I could never get that job, I’m not going to apply.”
• Assume that you know what people are thinking about you without having actual evidence to support this. “That guy hates me.”
• Focus on the negatives and ignore the positives (even if there are more positives). “I made the Dean’s List, but I got a 75 on a test, who cares about the Dean’s List.”
• Label yourself and others because you don’t feel good about yourself, “I’m a loser,” “She is so full of herself.” 

Consider this example of how CBT may look for someone going to therapy for anxiety and depression. 

Jade believes she is “too timid” and “will never amount to anything” in all areas of her life. Over the years, she assumed life would be difficult and no good could come from any of her efforts personally and professionally to improve herself. This led her to give up on things quickly and believe that there was “no point in trying.” She believed “if I try to do something good for myself it won’t work out.” Jade’s therapist helped her identify these beliefs and look at the evidence for and against them.

She was able to learn that she constantly predicted a negative outcome. She began to challenge herself to see how her beliefs towards herself had little evidence to support her hurtful assumptions. Jade began working with her therapist to learn how to be more assertive and to trust her thoughts and actions, instead of second-guessing or criticizing herself. She began to consider the actual odds of a positive outcome based on her actual efforts and capability.

The therapist and client work together to challenge negative attitudes the client holds about themselves, the world, and the people around them. These beliefs may contribute to their feelings of helplessness, worry, and hopelessness.

Why Is CBT Great For Millennials?

Millennials are more likely to expect immediate results. This is because they have grown up in the internet era where we can get information and needs to be met faster than ever. Want your groceries in two hours? How about ordering a car online?! Anything is possible. It’s no surprise that millennials don’t intend to spend their time in years of therapy, looking to determine if their mother is the source of their problems.

Therefore, CBT is the perfect therapy for millennials because it is the ultimate DIY therapy. This type of therapy can be done with self-help books and/or internet programs. There is a caveat here.

I only recommend doing CBT on your own if you’ve received CBT with a therapist first. This way, you understand the process and the roadmap for how to accomplish getting relief from negative symptoms. CBT therapists will lead by example. They will teach you healthier ways to analyze problems and come up with healthy solutions.

Above all, CBT is time-limited, solution-focused and collaborative. If you want to get the most out of CBT, you need to do all the recommended assignments and “buy in” to the therapy. This will help you become a better version of yourself. 

Many people call millennials the burnout generation because of the many demands we have on our time. We often believe that we should always be working hard and moving up the ladder. This is a good work ethic, but only to a point. When you’re always working and don’t take time to rest, you can become burned out.

Have you questioned seeing a therapist, but assumed it would be too expensive? Do you worry it will take too long or they will force you to discuss things against your will?

What are your thoughts on CBT? Do you have experience with this type of therapy? How was your experience? 

Reference: Beck, J. S. (1964) Cognitive Therapy: Basics and Beyond, New York: Guildford Press