Seven Ways To Not Win An Argument

Oftentimes, through the years, clients have asked me, “What am I doing wrong.” They are referring to feeling relationships with people in their life could be better. An important question I ask them is how often they find themselves trying to win an argument with loved ones. 

Whether the argument is with someone you love or don’t even know, having frequent arguments with others can increase your stress level, blood pressure, and cause all-around physical discomfort.

Are You Prone to Arguments?

Have you ever been so mad at someone you don’t even take the time to prepare what you’re going to say? You just dive into that text, room or phone call with guns a-blazin’. If the answer to this question is “all the time,” you’re often concerned with winning an argument. 

Are you someone who is described as very reactive and quick to pick a fight? How’s that working out for you? My guess is you may have difficulty listening to others and seeing both sides of the story. 

Inevitably, this will cause stress in your life because this will not go unnoticed. 

This behavior is likely considered rude, selfish and frustrating by people in your life. People who you often offend or disappoint due to your struggle with chronic arguing.

Consider memorizing the strategies below before you discuss something important with someone, especially if you truly care about them and want to strengthen your relationship. Notice I said discuss.

If you try the tips below, maybe you can avoid an argument altogether?

1. You Have To Give To Get 

Let go of assuming what you have to say is a priority and just listen. Your blood may be boiling and there are dozens of things you want to say. You want them to (Correction, you need them to) understand how much their actions are affecting you. But, know this, you will likely not get any sympathy or understanding from someone who you do not respectfully listen to. You have to give your full, undivided attention to this person while they’re speaking or they will not have the desire to do the same for you. 

 2. Use The Middle Path Skill

Consider a popular therapeutic strategy called the middle path skill. In short, to “walk the middle path” means replacing “either-or” thinking with collaborative “both-and” thinking. 

When we disagree with someone, we may conclude that they are wrong and we are right. But is this necessarily true?

Try seeing both sides by expressing yourself in a way that doesn’t negate how your partner feels and also leaves room for seeing both sides of the story.

They will feel more respected and heard this way. When we replace “either I’m right or they are right,” with “I’m right and they are right,” then we can see each perspective as an opinion rather than an absolute truth.

Why Don’t You Just Meet Me In The Middle?

Dialectics teach us that there is more than one way to view
a situation.

If we accept that two things that seem like opposites can both be true, then we can find the middle path.

A good way to do this is to use the word AND in your discussion.

Try using AND in your discussions when you’re looking to express that you’re trying to be open-minded.

Here are some examples of opposites that can both be true. 

• I need some time for myself, and I still need you to be there for me.
• I accept parts of myself and I want to change things I do that are hurtful to you.
• I am mad at you and I still love and respect you.
• You can be doing the best you can, and still need to do better and try harder.
• I understand why you lashed out on me when I offended you, and also think that you could have handled things differently
• “I shouldn’t have insulted you yesterday and it makes me get angry when you turn your back to me.”
• It’s really hard for me to trust you and I really want to work towards trusting you.

as opposed to

“I shouldn’t have insulted you yesterday BUT it makes me get angry when you turn your back to me.”

The use of BUT sounds to someone as if your saying I’m apologizing BUT now I’m taking it back.

It takes away the first part of the statement before BUT and makes it feel like it didn’t matter.

3. Don’t Interrupt

On the same note, it can be challenging not to interrupt someone when they’re speaking. This is because you are so fired up. Remind yourself that they deserve a moment to have the floor just as much as you do. Adrenaline may be coursing through your veins but, take a deep breath and listen as best as you can. If you interrupt someone whose already on edge they will feel you do not value what they have to say. What’s worse, is you run the risk of making them feel you don’t value your relationship with them enough to listen.

4. Pay Attention To Your Body Language

Your body language often says more than you do. You will appear to be listening best if you sit or stand in one place and make eye contact as much as possible. Provide encouraging body movement such as nodding your head. Say things like “Okay,” “Um-hum,” so they know that you are listening. Avoid rolling your eyes, looking away, or crossing your arms even if you’re angry or offended.

5. Be Mindful Of Your Language

I don’t know about you, but the second I am in an argument or disagreement with someone and they curse at me I no longer care as much how they feel. They’ve gotten me so offended that I am ready to dismiss this person. Imagine your speaking to someone and they say, “I’m so f*cki*g annoyed with you” as opposed to “I’m so annoyed with you.” 

A study from Southern Connecticut State University led by graduate researcher Melanie DeFrank asked 138 students about their swearing habits and opinions about swearing. The authors found in their study that speakers using profanity were viewed as less intelligent and less trustworthy. Cursing usually indicates anger or being defensive. This can make someone feel you’re aggressive or that they have something to hide. 

6. Offer A Behavioral Change 

Let the person know what you usually do that hurts or angers them that you’ll try your best not to do. This ensures that they know you’ve been listening to them during past arguments. When you’re explaining what your feeling, do your best not to do what you typically do during n argument, such as blaming them for everything or raising your voice. Throw them for a loop and exercise self-control here to the best of your ability. This will show them you’re feeling trying to improve your relationship with them.

7. Be Hopeful

 Explain what you would like to ideally see happen that will improve things for your relationship. This will put their guard down and let them know this discussion isn’t about winning an argument or being right, but rather to improve your relationship.

You can make it sound even better by saying that you want to work as a team and what you propose to improve your communication.

Be sure to also ask for their feedback. For instance, you can say something like “If you had to pick one thing that frustrates you about our relationship that you want me to work on, what would it be?”