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Does it feel impossible to start loving yourself? Practicing self-love isn’t easy. Past experiences have led to present beliefs that you don’t deserve to love yourself. You may not have the slightest idea where to start. To start loving yourself may feel like an impossible dream for you.
You remind yourself of all the things that have gone wrong in your life. That job you wanted that you didn’t get, that relationship the didn’t work out, the extra weight you’re carrying that you just can’t seem to lose.
You may start loving yourself but then you quickly take it away with some self-deprecating belief because you didn’t meet your expectations.
Why Is It So Important To Love Yourself?
Did you know that we have over 70,000 thoughts a day? Chances are, some of those thoughts will be negative.
Does that mean these thoughts need unrelenting scrutiny? Nope.
If you tend to behave in this manner, you don’t love yourself the way you should.
So, when you learn to love yourself, you breathe easier and let go of unwanted tension in your body and mind. You give yourself the opportunity to let the good things shine through, however big or small.
How To Start Loving Yourself
If you tell yourself it isn’t possible and you’re not wired that way, this infringes on your god-given right to be happy. Learning to love yourself is possible if you’re willing to keep an open mind and trust this is a journey.
Loving yourself doesn’t sound like a big ask, does it?
If it does, then be patient and allow yourself time to cultivate a beautiful relationship with You.
Start loving yourself by focusing on one item on this list each day. Then, start back at one, rinse and repeat.
1. Don’t Be Afraid To Put In The Work
Do you know how they say a relationship is work? Well, it’s a mistake to only work on improving your relationship with others before you work on yourself.
If at the end of the day you cannot rest your head down on your pillow and be happy with who you are, then you deserve to fix this.
Commit To Thinking More Positively
The more time you spend challenging thoughts that cause you pain and replacing them with messages of hope, the more relief you feel. Most importantly, choosing not to settle on negative thoughts creates a sense of control. Challenging your feelings, especially when you do not have evidence to support them, is when the real work comes into play.
To free yourself from negative thinking you need to challenging your thought process, again and again, and again.
If you find yourself automatically thinking about the worst case scenario for a potential outcome, simply notice this and correct it.
The most important thing is to stand up to your own mental bullying and fight back.
Let’s take a look at this in action:
How To Challenge Negative Thoughts
For instance, let’s say it drains you to be in social situations, but you crave this.
Thoughts often pop into your head such as “No-one cares about seeing me anyway,” “I’m not interesting enough to have friends, they will get bored of me.” or “I’m better off being alone.”
- Challenge These Thoughts With A Hopeful Statement:
“I deserve to be happy and I will feel more comfortable the more I socialize with others.”
- When in doubt, Challenge These Thoughts By Stating The Exact Opposite:
For Example, a thought such as “I’m not interesting enough to have friends, they will get bored of me.” can become “I have a lot to offer people and they will become more interested in me the more they get to know me.”
If you have convinced yourself there’s something wrong with you and cannot make or maintain friends, is there evidence to support this?
- Look For Evidence To Support These Beliefs:
Have you had many friendships and they ended?
Have you been told anything negative by others that would result in friendships being difficult to maintain?
Do you feel you’ve truly tried to maintain friendships by being there for your friends? Helping them in some way when they truly need it? or Listening to them and truly caring about their welfare?
If you find that there is little evidence to support that you deserve to be alone, meaning you’ve been a good friend, then maybe something else is getting in the way.
Perhaps it’s your own anxiety and self-doubt that makes you isolate yourself from others.
Looking for evidence to support your thoughts and recognizing that how you feel and what the reality of things are can be vastly different.
Stick To A Few Key Affirmations:
Save 3-5 affirmations in your phone to read when your feeling doubtful. Pick ones that really resonate with you.
Here are affirmations that would be helpful in this example.
“If I remain present and focused on what others are saying, I won’t have to worry about negative thoughts holding me back.”
“I am perfectly capable of making friends and I’m just as valuable as others are.”
“I will allow myself to relax and have a good time.”
“It is not going to hurt me to feel uncomfortable sometimes, I just need to ride it out and it will fade.
“I deserve to be happy just like everyone else.”
There are a lot of changes to be made, many challenges ahead. There will be moments in which your body and mind feel fatigued from being more strategic about the quality of your thinking. But, the moment you go against allowing your automatic negative thoughts to take over and suffocate your happiness, you will feel empowered.
Decide there’s got to be another way by committing to start loving yourself by putting in the mental work.
This will feel like mental jujitsu, but you’ll never feel more at peace than when your mindset defaults to positivity autopilot
2. Don’t Only Look For Love In Others
“The surest way to lose your self-worth is by trying to find it through the eyes of others.” – Becca Lee
If you only look for love in other people, when they express doubt you will feel unsafe and unstable. This will make you question what you know about yourself. This is why you must learn to accept who you are and reject the opinions of others who have caused you pain.
Don’t let others shake your sense of self.
Having people to love and being loved in return is a beautiful thing. However, if you do not love yourself first, you will be incapable of feeling the love others have for you on a deeper and a more meaningful level.
3. Stay True To Your Passion
Whatever it is in life that gets you excited, however big or small, don’t let it go. Try not to pay attention to what others think or if others find it interesting too. All that matters is how your passion makes you feel.
Lose yourself in what you love. Allow all the noise to fade into the background and focus on that thing that makes everything go silent.
Join groups, read books, listen to podcasts about your passion. Whatever it takes to feel like you’re immersing yourself in something that ignites a fire in you.
Whether it be playing an instrument, drawing, crafting, or running, pursue your passion. Whatever your passion is, never stop doing the thing that you can’t wait to get back to.
4. Take A Break From People Who Cause You Pain
If you find that certain people in your life often chip away at your self-esteem, it may be time to take a break.
When you’re feeling vulnerable, it’s easy for others to make you feel inadequate. These may be people in your life that you don’t want to let go, such as family members. You can work on yourself and let them back in when you feel a little stronger. You don’t have to let them go entirely, but set proper boundaries.
Moreover, it wouldn’t be fair to them if you didn’t have an honest discussion about how certain things they say or do affect you. This will give them a chance to improve how they communicate with you, if they are willing and able.
Whether you tell them you’re taking a break from them or not, give yourself time to work on yourself. With less negative energy around you, you can see the world through a different lens. When you’re feeling better about yourself things that people say or do tend to have less of a negative.
5. Have a Self-love YOU day Once A Week
This is a day where you commit to only do things that you want to do.
If someone asks you to do something, anything, you allow yourself to say No.
Prepare a list of things you want to do on your “You” day ahead of time.
You don’t want the day to feel like a chore. So, commit to 1-3 items on the list you’d like to do that nourish your body, mind, and soul.
If you can’t have a You day, because you have kids or some other circumstance, dedicate a You hour to yourself. This can be at the end of the day when your winding down and seeking relaxation.
Some “You Day” ideas:
Exercising
Watching a funny movie
Take a relaxing bath
Reading a book
Meditating
Going for a nature walk
Giving yourself and manicure/pedicure
Writing in a journal to catch up with yourself. Speaking of writing in a journal…
6. Start Loving Yourself By Journaling
Journaling can be a very cathartic experience. This is a special time that you set to allow the free flow of your thoughts to soar across the page, phone, or computer. Journaling is good for your mental health. It helps you process feelings and situations, vent, and problem-solve.
In a study published in Advances in Psychiatric Treatment, researchers found that writing three to five times, for 15 minutes each session, was enough to help people deal with emotional and traumatic events.
Set a timer for 15 minutes and begin writing. If you’re new to journaling it may feel odd or even self-indulgent at first. But, stick with it and you’ ’ll find that what you write will begin to feel more self-explorative.
We have so many thoughts trapped in our brain and journaling releases some of those thoughts. It helps you take a closer look at them. Doing this will allow you to let go of thoughts that were causing you pain or tension.
7. Stay True to Yourself
Staying true to yourself means you remain who you are within your experiences.
Staying true to yourself means that if others are behaving in a certain manner, you don’t allow yourself to act the same.
When others get into the mix, there may be a habit of submitting to the moment.
What I mean by this is, your friend is bitching about their boyfriend so you do the same about your partner. Then, you end up feeling bad and hadn’t intended to trash-talk him.
You can be there for someone without having to feel the way they feel!
For example, you’re going to lunch with your friend who is always in an anxious state. Allow that to be their emotion and just listen and try to understand her pain.
Don’t take it in or try it on for size because it serves you no purpose.
Stay true to how you want to feel if you’re working hard to be happy. Hold on to the moments when you’re feeling hopeful and positive. Don’t allow people to tear them away from you. They may not be doing this intentionally.
However, you’re entitled to not have to walk in others shoes to understand what they’re going through.
It’s up to you and you alone to remain in a positive headspace.
8. Practice Using Positive Affirmations To Love Yourself
Use statements you can repeat to stay in a positive headspace every day. The morning is best for positive affirmations. You will start your day prioritizing being kind to yourself, which is one way to love yourself. Start each day by telling yourself something positive.
Positive Affirmations:
“I am happy and calm and I will not allow anything to take this way from me”
“ I worked very hard today and I’m proud of myself.”
“Self-care is important to me and I deserve to stay in a positive headspace.”
“I choose to see people who love me a gift and I will love myself the same way.”
9. Ask Yourself One Question, “Whose Going To Love you Better Than You?
My mom always told me my Uncle said “Whose going to love you better than you? He said this in response to my mother cringing at the amount of money he spent on himself.
I’m not saying you have to spend money you don’t have. Instead, treat yourself with relaxation (this doesn’t have to cost a dime), your favorite treat, or something nice within your budget. This will help you radiate confidence because these actions help you take pride in yourself.
If you walk around in a stretched out, wrinkly shirt, it will convey a sense that you’ve likely given up on yourself and other people’s perception of you.
Aside from material things, we only have ourselves at the end of the day. So, if you are your punching bag or treat yourself like a receptacle, trash-talking yourself constantly, you’re going to feel like garbage.
Be patient with yourself. Take a slow, relaxing breath when you become frustrated. Learn from your mistakes and try not to allow yourself to repeat these mistakes. Treat yourself with respect and try not to judge yourself so often. Do not label yourself negatively.
These are some of the ways you can love yourself.
10. Meet Yourself Where You Are
If you’re having a rough day, it’s ok. Saying to yourself “Why do I have to feel this way?” Or “Something bad always happens to me.” perpetuates the pain. It sends yourself a message that you’re unlucky or unable to be happy due to life circumstances.
Take the power back by recognizing that every day and all moments cannot be good and thats okay. All things cannot be perfect each moment of your life.
Accept your imperfections and wear them like a badge of honor. These imperfections make you uniquely you as much as your strengths do.
If you tell yourself you’re having a bad day, well, you’ll likely have a bad day.
But, if you challenge this, by choosing to view your emotion as momentary and fleeting, you will allow the next moment to be a fresh start.
Doing so sends allows yourself to move on, adapt, and let each moment have its own emotional response, and then LET IT GO!
11. Treat Yourself As You Would A Friend To Start Loving Yourself
When I’m meeting with a client who is judgng themselves and discussing their failures since we last met, I remind them of one question to ask themselves. “Would you treat a friend the same way you treat yourself?
That question always resonates with people because it’s eye-opening.
If you called a friend lazy, had no patience for them, and judged them for their mistakes, do you think they’d still be your friend? Not likely.
So, why would you do these things to yourself?!
Stop and notice the moments in your day when you’re being impatient and unkind to yourself. Remind yourself of how you would relate to a friend if you wanted to cheer them up.
You deserve to give yourself the same positive attention and affection you give to others.
12. Do Not Compare Yourself To Others
Are you someone who tells yourself beliefs such as, “If others succeed, it means I’ve failed” or “If other people like that person, they don’t like me as much”
When you’re in a constant state of competition with coworkers, friends, or family members, you’re always on edge.
This creates a feeling of defeat. Don’t put yourself down because others are doing well.
Choose to view their success as a motivator. Strive for what will make you feel successful and happy.
This could be within your job or within relationships. Though, I recommend ensuring you don’t put all your self-worth into your job because it won’t always be there).
13. Talk to a Therapist
If you find that learning to love yourself feels like an impossible feat, it’s okay to ask for help.
A trained professional can offer you skills to put into practice to work on loving yourself. If loving yourself has been a challenge for many years, you may need a little extra help and there’s nothing wrong with that.
There are many different types of therapy, so I suggest researching them.
Check out my article about CBT for millennials to learn more about short term therapy. Therapy can provide you with lifelong skills necessary to make every day better.
14. Let Go Of The Past
You may have made mistakes. Maybe you’ve done things you’re not proud of. What matters now is that you see things clearly and you’re willing to interact with the world more healthily.
Let each new day be an opportunity to write over the past and create a new story that will make you proud. It’s uncomfortable and shame may still rear its ugly head.
However, be patient and trust that you will forgive yourself. If others aren’t ready to forgive you, give them space. It is their right to protect themselves and hopefully, they will come around. Especially if they see you’re working toward self-improvement. If they’re really important to you, show them you’ve changed by proving it with your actions.
Don’t settle for obsessing over your mistakes. Take a moment to reflect on these mistakes and remind yourself who you strive to be. Write it on a giant poster board if you have to so you don’t forget your intention. Allow yourself to let things go and make the next moment a pleasant and healing moment.
15. Hold On Tight To The Good Times
You’ll have good and bad days. However, if you’re struggling to love yourself, you’ll have more bad days than good.
Take the moments where you feel happy, accomplished, loved, helpful, excited, productive, etc., and write down your thoughts while you’re riding this high.
Don’t wait until tomorrow because you may not feel the same way. Capture these moments because you can look back later and gain insight into how your mind works in these moments. Use this to your advantage.
As a result, you will find you are more patient, social, flexible, more forgiving when you’re feeling your best.
Use this knowledge to learn more about how you interact with the world when you’re feeling good. Push yourself to embody these qualities to the best of your capability in the present moment.
16. Tune Into Your Thought Process
As always, it’s crucial to pay close attention to your thoughts. Specifically, the negative thoughts that are causing you pain. Be sure to read my article on how to challenge negative thoughts and how to use them responsibly.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, one of the most common and effective types of therapy, focuses on teaching someone how their thoughts affect their emotions and how this ultimately affects their actions.
A person’s inner dialogue dictates every move they will make after they have a thought. If that thought is negative, their next move is often unhelpful.
Building cognitive awareness and understanding how your thoughts affect your mental health is a life-changing practice. Though it isn’t easy, it essential to loving yourself.
If you find your thoughts are judgmental, unkind, or discouraging, work on challenging your inner thoughts. It is the most important skill you will ever learn in your life.
Naturally, this will require work and mental strain. You will likely fall back into negative thinking. But, expect this will happen because habits are challenging to break. If you expect this, then you can prepare yourself to keep charging through, despite setbacks.
Be sure to read more about CBT to learn if it’s right for you.
Read my article on CBT For Millennials here.
Learning to love yourself is a process. So be patient and kind to yourself. Self-love should be practiced, like anything else that matters in life.
Consider it a journey you’re embarking on. There will be pumps, and you will stop and go again with your practice. But, don’t give up because “Whose going to love you better than you?”
Self-love is the most valuable gift you can give yourself to reach your full potential, find happiness, and stress less!
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