How To Spot Relationship Red Flags (Unhealthy Relationship Signs Early On)

Most people enter a relationship full of hope, excitement, and trying to silence any doubt. There are many reasons a person doesn’t see a problem, even when others do. They could have been single for a long time and afraid to be alone again, flattered by superficial things that won’t matter down the line, or not in the best place in their lives, so settling feels acceptable.

Whatever the reason, sometimes it can feel impossible to know exactly how much negativity and gut feelings to push aside. It could save you a lot of time and pain to look out for these relationship red flags early on. 

How Do You Know When A Relationship Won’t Work?

1. Your Emotional Needs Do Not Matter

In fairness, being a good partner means being attuned to their emotional needs and not just your own. However, if you feel your partner constantly rolls their eyes at you when you’re expressing your emotional needs, something isn’t right. Rather than expecting your partner should just know what you need, the best thing to do for a successful relationship is to be clear about your needs and expectations.

 Whenever I’m confronted with a client telling me in a session that their partner should know by now what they need, I immediately challenge this. You should ask your partner directly for exactly what you need. This way, a wonderful thing happens in which they know what you want and you get what you want, win-win! 

If you feel you’ve been very clear and upfront about your needs, you’ve take actionable steps toward fulfilling what your partner needs, but they are unable or unwilling to satisfy your needs, they are not for you.

2. They “Should” All Over You

If your partner constantly tells you what you should do, what you should change, how you should act, how you should feel, how you should present yourself, they’re “shoulding” all over you! Excuse the defecation reference, but it’s one of my favorites! 

If your partner constantly suggests you should change yourself or whatever you want to do should be done differently, this is bound to lead to lower self-esteem.

Further, this suggests that whatever you’re doing is wrong which leads to questioning yourself and feeling inadequate. If your partner doesn’t leave emotional and physical space for you to be who you are, then this is one of the clear relationship red flags they are not right for you. 

3. You Don’t Make Each Other Laugh

According to helpguide.org, “Laughter decreases stress hormones and increases immune cells and infection-fighting antibodies, thus improving your resistance to disease.” They go on to say, humor in a relationship could help you let go of your defenses because you forget about judgment or doubt, act more spontaneous, and express your true feelings. 

Humor in a relationship is very healthy. Using humor indicates your partner wants to keep things light-hearted or they are trying to make you feel good if you’ve expressed feeling negatively. Either way, their deliberate use of humor is for your benefit and a good sign.

If you and your partner just don’t seem to get one another’s sense of humor, you’re in for a dull life. If your partner doesn’t feel the need to keep things light or want to see you smile, never let someone steal your smile! 

4. You Don’t Think About Them When They Aren’t Around

When a person is in a healthy relationship, they spend time with their partner that leaves them feeling fulfilled. If your family, hobbies, friends, and even doing your taxes start to get you more excited than spending time with your partner, you’ve lost interest. If you and your partner separate and you move on with your day as if you never got together, you may be over them.

5. They’re Inconsistent

If the person you’re dating says one thing and does another and makes promises they often don’t keep, you’re dealing with an inconsistent partner. You find you don’t know who they will be from one day to the next. Their actions and mood are unpredictable. If you’re not getting a person with consistent actions, then something is holding them back from giving you their full attention and respect.

6. They Don’t Make An Effort With Your Family and Friends

This is a telling one. When a person is interested in you, they really care about what the people you love think of them. They are looking to make a good impression. They say yes to get togethers with your family and friends and they seem interested in getting to know them. This is all in the interest of making you feel secure and happy. This is when you know someone is into you. 

If your partner always has excuses why “they just want to spend time with you,” they’re not able to share in your life in a healthy manner. This will inevitably create problems for you down the road. 

If your partner is unwilling to enter into your world as you do for them, then they are not prioritizing or respecting your needs. Your friends and family have been established before they came along. If it feels like you have to give them up because your partner isn’t willing to spend time with them this is not a good sign.

7. The Sex Is Bad Or Nonexistent

When the thought of being with your partner sexually feels foreign or even off-putting, this is a red flag there is trouble in paradise. There can be many reasons this could happen. Your lack of a connection isn’t getting you in the mood, their behavior is negative and far from a turn-on, they’re not giving you any clear signs that they’re interested in you sexually. Whatever the reason, address it head-on or run the other way if a sexual connection is important to you.

8. You’re Lives Are Separated 

If you spend most of your leisure time and family time apart, there is likely a reason you aren’t blending your worlds. What’s worse, is if you ask for this person to prioritize spending time with you, doing the things you want to do and they refuse or make excuses. Your interests should matter to them. Even if they do not want to partake in your interests, they should be willing to learn about what excites you and give you the space to talk about this. 

If they keep what they do in their spare time a mystery, they are either hiding something or not interested in letting you get to know them. 

9. You Fight Often

Fighting is normal, even in a healthy relationship. You and your partner are two different people with two different opinions. Fighting on occasion isn’t a bad thing. It could mean that you are passionate about them and fighting for them to see your side because they matter so much to you. 

But, there are relationship red flags to look out for that are clear indications your fighting is unhealthy.

Unhealthy Fighting

Of course, first and foremost, if you’re fighting gets physical this isn’t okay. If you or they, or both of you cannot control your anger so much so that it turns physical, your toxic to each other. 

Other, less serious, but problematic red flags include name-calling, threatening to break up with you, or infidelity. If these fights are frequent you’re at risk of developing mental health issues such as stress, anxiety, or depression. Fight fair, end the relationship or seek professional help if this is becoming too often and too painful.

10. There Is Little To No Communication

On the flip side of fighting, if you and your partner barely communicate, this could mean a couple of things. Your communication doesn’t go well so you’ve given up. Or, you or they just don’t care enough to communicate effectively. 

If you show a genuine interest in what your partner has to say, actively listen by repeating some key facts back to them about what they said, and given them positive encouragement you’re communicating well. 

If they do not mirror the same behavior for you, communicate negatively, or tell you something like, “I just want to relax,” whenever you want to communicate, they are not respecting your relationship.

11. They Never Talk About The Future

This is one of the easier relationship red flags to spot. If your partner avoids making plans for the future with you or they discuss plans with others that don’t include you, they are not interested in keeping you around for the long haul. It isn’t okay for you to be made out to seem like a crazy person when you ask about a future with them. If this is something they want, they will welcome the conversation. 

Other clear signs they don’t want a future with you include getting angry when you ask, telling you it isn’t necessary to discuss this now, or negative non-verbal communication like rolling their eyes at you, appearing frustrated, becoming less affectionate, or turning their body away from you. Reasons they may avoid this topic could be they are keeping their options open or they are afraid to tell you they aren’t that into you.

12. You Feel Worn Out After You See Them

When you connect with a person you typically feel happy and at peace when you’re spending time with them. If you’re dating someone and you find you feel drained and relieved once you go home for the evening, this is a tell-tale sign you’re incompatible.

There’s likely a power struggle going on, insecurity on their part which makes them act out, or they feel trapped in something they don’t want to be in.

They constantly correct you or scoff at your opinions. This can feel demeaning, embarrassing, discouraging, and downright hurtful. If they are constantly draining your energy for any reason this isn’t healthy. Relationship red flags like this are bad for your mental and physical health.

13. You Feel Negative Emotions More Often

If your encounters with your partner leave you feeling mad, stressed, sad or drained more often than not, this is unhealthy. When a person consistently feels negative, this can lead to behavioral changes like isolating more, lashing out at others, or unhealthy behaviors aimed to temporarily reduce stress like overeating, under-eating or using substances.

How Do You Tell Someone A Relationship Isn’t Working?

Even if you suspect this person isn’t invested in the relationship, letting them go most kindly is best. Why? What if you had feelings for them, but feel they do not? Feeling hurt may cause you to break up with them in a crass and abrupt manner. 

But, if you choose to break up with them and discuss your reservations (i.e. “I don’t feel we are on the same page with how we feel about each other” or “I’m not sure we are a good fit for each other”) and respect (i.e. “I wish you all the best”) then you will have a better chance of finding out how they really feel. This is because you expressed how you feel and didn’t place any blame on them. 

Finally, it is always best to let someone down gently and honestly because if they showed signs of any red flags that made you feel unsafe, you don’t want to be harsh with someone threatening.

Remove Yourself From The Equation to Help See The Red Flags

Relationship red flags can be hard to notice when you’re “in the bubble” of the relationship. You may be rationalizing many things outside of your awareness.

A vital tip to consider when trying to spot relationship red flags is pretty simple:

Consider what the potential relationship red flag may be for you. Take yourself out of the equation. If a loved one confided in you about this concern, would you view it as a red flag the relationship was in trouble?

Why is this effective?

When we look at someone else’s life it’s easier to view it more objectively. The facts of the situation are clearer because you’re not clouded by the subjective emotional responses that makes problems harder to see.

A healthy relationship is vital to your happiness, and a toxic relationship can lessen that happiness. If your constantly questioning the relationship and losing for yourself and others to justify things are okay, they probably aren’t. Recognize the red flags early and save yourself precious time and energy.